It's Okay to be Broken, because it's Beautiful
If I’ve learnt anything this year, it’s the power of prayer and perspective. I really feel I could have gone without many situations, or ‘learning opportunities’, however; they’ve taught me a lot about myself, and have made me a better woman for it, I believe.
Up until this post, I’d taken a hiatus from my blog. I didn’t mean to, nor was it a beneficial thing–especially for business. Marketing an online health coaching business seriously relies on my input onto the interwebs. So, it does make me upset that I allowed myself to be less than I am. But I digress.
You see, this year began ringing in 2018 sick and sad. I had some horrible cold, a bad fever, coupled with low energy and a nasty cough (thanks finals and -40 degree weather). I was also heart sick and heart broken, but I’m a fairly public-private person so I won’t get into that.
I remember lying in bed December 28th to New Year’s Eve, telling myself that this year would be one that changed me forever. I said I would become a stronger, wiser, purer, freer, and more passionate woman. I pictured this journey of becoming a whole lot differently, and never did I expect my refining to transpire the way it did.
I recall lying in my empty house, alone, cold, and missing almost every person in my life all at once. I was so sad. I cried a lot, and I felt like I was trapped inside of it. My emotions had me tangled, and it was a web I couldn’t swat down out the basement corners of my soul.
Getting myself out of that bed was rough. Faking a smile was harder than passing my second year finance exam I didn’t study for. In one moment I got up, grabbed my journal, wrote my heart out in it, sealed it with my tears, and vowed to God I was all and completely his.
I told him to transform me, to groom me, to use me to bring his name glory. I told him I didn’t want to be regular. I wanted to be a woman of genuine love, who’s energy and presence reminded others’ of their worth and brilliance, and whose life inspired goodness around her.
Who knew that this would come at the cost of nearly everything. In 2018, I lost so many people close to me, and it really almost broke me in half. I laid in bed for months crying, mourning, questioning God’s love for me. I didn’t see it, and I really didn’t understand. I wouldn’t fathom it.
How could my life look like this? How can this be? How am I here? Why God? Why ME?
I yelled at him. At one point I think I even told him he didn’t love me. I apologized–a lot.
In those moments, I felt the deepest form of despair I have surely ever felt. I won’t lie when I say I contemplated my existence. I questioned the air in my lungs. I asked it to leave me sometimes, and at other times, I dreamt about what life beyond my flesh was like far too vividly.
I needed these moments. I needed to be absolutely wrecked. I needed to know what it’s like to be absolutely alone. I need isolation. I needed all the broken(mess) that I was sinking in to.
At one point, though, it took me deciding it was over. The tears were done. The forgiveness instant. The growth was in order. I let it go. I let it all go. I’m still letting go sometimes, but it’s so completely different.
I let myself be less because I knew that out of these terrible, horrible moments, I was becoming a woman whose voice would never be spoken in vain. I would exist, and my history would precede me. I would walk, and light would shine through me, I would be different, and my testimony would be transformative to not only myself, but to every ear who heard it.
I remember one moment, crying as I walked home from work and thinking “woah,” I just thought woah. God spoke to me, his voice so clear, and just said “See, I am all you have, I am all you need.”
I thanked him, because I don’t think everyone gets to experience the depth of faith building that was required of me. I had literally NO choice but to wake up and say, “okay God, you’ve got me, let’s go.”
Once I wholeheartedly trusted him, shifted my mindset, aligned my heart and perspective positively, everything changed. I mean, things are still coming together, but I’m not shattered every morning I wake up the way I was initially.
I put myself into counselling. I spent more time meal prepping. I made sure I ate when I didn’t want to. I limited my alcohol. I went out when I wanted to stay in. I cried when I needed to. I never restricted my pain, never pretending, and shared it with people freely.
God came through every time. He used people, he used situations, he used opportunities, he used my own memories. I think the most amazing thing of all is the people I’ve grown closer to through this season of my life.
Those who were there for me, without judgement, without anything but love–I will cherish it forever. The love I received literally kept my heart going, and I am forever thankful they, too, choose love everyday.
So while I’m not happy that 2018 has cracked the hardest whip on me thus far, I know that through it, God refined me into being an even better woman.
Takeaways I can encourage you with:
- God answers prayers.
- Bad things will happen to us, and if you allow, God will use them to make you better.
- Your perspective will shape your outcome, and define the refining process.
- Don’t be afraid to be broken. It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t mean you’re disabled.
- Do productive things that remind you that you’re alive.
- Share your pain with people, and allow yourself to rely on them.
- Remember that you are so absolutely loved. Your existence on this earth is necessary, and no one else will be able to impact it the way you’re meant to. You are needed, you are important, and you are stronger than any circumstance, illness, battle, or person.
- Belie ve, pray, and maintain a positive perspective.
I love you, fam.